on pondering aimlessly

So I have nothing to show for the last 2 days of my life, really...or perhaps longer if you want to be technical. I could make well grounded attempts at justifications, but I will not. I am frustrated at the whole doing nothing thing. It doesn't really work so well for me. I try, I really do, and I have enjoyed doing nothing except eating, sleeping, watching episodes of Lost, and talking to people for over 48 hours, and I'm about to go crazy.

Aside: Lost has nothing to do with it. There are only three more days till season 5 begins...and I have only 6 episodes left to catch up. (don't bother counting the hours, it's not worth it). And I am super stoked for the Lost Party of the Century hosted by the Hunts and located at the nearest Dharma Station. I will be on time of course, since Kate is never-failing :)

The reason that chilling and not really accomplishing anything when I have a long list of things that need to be accomplished drives me up a wall IS because of that sinking feeling of loss I get in my stomache, that emotional ache of waste. Under the right circumstances watching hours of Lost and kicking back with your guitar or your book or a pillow doesn't end the world of bliss for me. However, in the midst of decisions and transformation and work that needs to be done, I can't justify it.

I have spent hours today, doing nothing. Just sitting and thinking. Thinking about writing letters. Thinking about reading books. Thinking about vacuuming. Just thinking. It's disgusting. I hate it. If I could do the last couple days over again, I probably would. I just pray that God, being the Redeemer of time and eternity would not let all be at a complete loss because of my own laziness and inability to be self disciplined.

And, as I'm learning and struggling, and deciding my next steps I can only hope that I will find the strength to do the right thing, make the right choices, and push through committments - mostly those made to my King. I know that strength can only come from God. I just hope that I will be humble enough and brave enough to see that, to ask for it and to live with it.

P.S. This is what I call, a funk. And one of the things I hate most in life, is getting into one. But, I figure that maybe if I write about it, and share it, that I might find my way out a little bit quicker. Sorry to dissappoint with a boring and meaningless post.