It's time to get back on the bike!!!

In the midst of my own royally screwing up everything as I always do and making the stupid choice - consciously doing what I know is wrong. Despite my own grime and filth and how disgustingly sinful I am as a human - God is so good. He's incredibly awesome, the best thing I could ever imagine; and when I should be feeling down and guilty and depressed (I'm not saying I don't feel pretty crappy, but still) I actually still have joy and hope and peace. I don't know how to explain that at all, it makes absolutely no sense, but I'm not complaining. I would never turn away God's grace or reject his infinite mercy of which I am the most unworthy...

So, unbeknownst to most who encounter me on a daily basis, or from time to time, I've been in a bad place - getting deeper in a hole and not asking for help. And I messed up, and I still am not changing, not turning around. So, mentally, I'm there, but spiritually and emotionally I'm a little behind. I've been doing my thing, going through the motions, trying to find some space of humanity to exist in for the moment. I've been acting normal, feeling like crap (to be polite) and needing that connection with God and others so badly - maybe in a way that I can't even define.

A friend, out of the blue, when I mentioned how I was struggling so badly with balancing my spiritual goals with my academic goals and not wanting to fail...she told me a story that had helped her - and she doesn't know how terribly much it helped me. She said,
" I've always used to think of life as a chandelier; that when I was trying to 'balance' everything it had to be exactly even or it would become unbalanced . But someone pointed out to me that a chandelier never moves - they offered that life is like riding a bike: you balance things, but you're also moving, and sometimes when you have to go around a curve, you will be leaning more towards one way in order to keep your balance." As she smiled, I responded, " Yeah, that makes good sense, thanks." But my first thought - before she had finished speaking was:

WHAT IF I HAVE FALLEN OFF THE BIKE???!!!

And that, being very true of me, hit me hard. I felt like someone had poke-checked me with a Dstick in the chest where I had no padding. As I turned to walk down the four flights of stairs to where my day would begin with four classes in a row, my head was spinning. But before I had even reached the third floor, I KNEW:

"Get back on the bike!!!"

And so I am.

on pondering aimlessly

So I have nothing to show for the last 2 days of my life, really...or perhaps longer if you want to be technical. I could make well grounded attempts at justifications, but I will not. I am frustrated at the whole doing nothing thing. It doesn't really work so well for me. I try, I really do, and I have enjoyed doing nothing except eating, sleeping, watching episodes of Lost, and talking to people for over 48 hours, and I'm about to go crazy.

Aside: Lost has nothing to do with it. There are only three more days till season 5 begins...and I have only 6 episodes left to catch up. (don't bother counting the hours, it's not worth it). And I am super stoked for the Lost Party of the Century hosted by the Hunts and located at the nearest Dharma Station. I will be on time of course, since Kate is never-failing :)

The reason that chilling and not really accomplishing anything when I have a long list of things that need to be accomplished drives me up a wall IS because of that sinking feeling of loss I get in my stomache, that emotional ache of waste. Under the right circumstances watching hours of Lost and kicking back with your guitar or your book or a pillow doesn't end the world of bliss for me. However, in the midst of decisions and transformation and work that needs to be done, I can't justify it.

I have spent hours today, doing nothing. Just sitting and thinking. Thinking about writing letters. Thinking about reading books. Thinking about vacuuming. Just thinking. It's disgusting. I hate it. If I could do the last couple days over again, I probably would. I just pray that God, being the Redeemer of time and eternity would not let all be at a complete loss because of my own laziness and inability to be self disciplined.

And, as I'm learning and struggling, and deciding my next steps I can only hope that I will find the strength to do the right thing, make the right choices, and push through committments - mostly those made to my King. I know that strength can only come from God. I just hope that I will be humble enough and brave enough to see that, to ask for it and to live with it.

P.S. This is what I call, a funk. And one of the things I hate most in life, is getting into one. But, I figure that maybe if I write about it, and share it, that I might find my way out a little bit quicker. Sorry to dissappoint with a boring and meaningless post.

Candy Cane Lane

So I have continued pondering many things in my past-tired-spacey state of mind, which might be a very detrimental choice all around. In truth, I have finished unpacking all of my books and clothes and there are no dirty dishes in my sink - NOT ONE- and I have organized all my classes by folders and notebooks and text books and so on. Basically, I cleaned up a little. In more ways than one...

I happen to be drinking a big cup of Candy Cane Lane, my personal favorite tea by celestial seasonings (only purchased when on sale of course). Which makes me that much happier about my front bike tire being fixed and makes me keep procrastinating Shakespearean sonnets. I just can't help thinking of all the places I want to go on my bike... and my 9.9 pound book full of good ole William's life's works just isn't as appealing as flying through miles on my Jeep (even if it's only in my mind).

I have been enjoying a quote in the back of my head all afternoon: "I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand". Well put, Mr. C. This makes me think of Mother Theresa, who must not have ever understood how to love people to the extent in which she so painfully and beautifully did without just simply doing it. I don't think love that big can be learned or explained without putting it into action. The quote from Confucius also reminded me about what we have been discussing in my small group from Norco Baptist : about actually doing theology. Without living it out, it is so meaningless. Books should breed actions, not just thoughts.

Slowly but surely, I am beginning to learn...

One thing at a time. One prayer at a time. One day at a time. Sleep. Eat. Do work... and fall in love with Jesus all over again every day.

January 2009...and so it begins...

So this blog has been brewing for quite some time, which some of you may know... but really waiting for "the moment of inspiration to birth my blog" was ridiculous. I admit it. Truly, inspiration could be found in many things, and articulating them well might not be as important as I seem to think it is. Honesty and the sharing of life's adventures can be more stimulating and impactful in and of themselves than simply being artistic or trying to impress....

I am new to this whole blogging world, from this side of things at least. I am excited for the adventures that will happen this semester, the learning, the growing, the challenges, and the moments of community and fellowship which are so precious. In the midst of all the reading and writing papers and speeches and such, I want to continue to strive for my own personal spiritual goals and to enjoy the time that I have left at this place in my life...my last semester at this institution, of undergrad level of learning...and the like. Discovering more and more of who I am in Christ...and what that means. Of choosing what to do with what I have been given...making new friends and loving on the ones that have stuck close by.

There are times when I am overwhelmed by the places I have already been and the things that I have experienced.... the range of friends that I have is about as diverse as the music that I enjoy or the poems that I write. The vastness of it all sometimes makes processing it all in an attempt to make decisions, label, or analyze a bit difficult. Where I grew up...who I have been and am now... and being so far from the places my heart is.

I have spent perhaps too much time thinking lately. I choose to say it like that because I feel that thinking which produces nothing is not very beneficial ... for anything really. And although I have spent much time deep in thought, pondering the mysteries of the gospel, of the universe, of time and of grace and love and I could go on and on...but all my musings have not truly produced anything but more questions and seemingly more confusion...which leads to more prayer. And that is good. Much needed.

There is much more I would love to share right now, but most of it escapes my mind at this point in time. Please keep checking back, there will be much more to come in the very near future... x

Below - one quotation of much deliberating thought discovered last semester:

"Shining is always costly. Light comes only at the cost of that which produces it. An unlit candle does no shining. Burning must come before shinning. We can not be of great use to others without cost to ourselves. Burning suggests suffering. We shrink from pain..."The glory of tomorrow is rooted in the drudgery of today." Many want the glory without the cross, the shining without the burning, but crucifixion comes before coronation." - Mrs. Charles E. Cowman, Streams in the Desert.