It's time to get back on the bike!!!

In the midst of my own royally screwing up everything as I always do and making the stupid choice - consciously doing what I know is wrong. Despite my own grime and filth and how disgustingly sinful I am as a human - God is so good. He's incredibly awesome, the best thing I could ever imagine; and when I should be feeling down and guilty and depressed (I'm not saying I don't feel pretty crappy, but still) I actually still have joy and hope and peace. I don't know how to explain that at all, it makes absolutely no sense, but I'm not complaining. I would never turn away God's grace or reject his infinite mercy of which I am the most unworthy...

So, unbeknownst to most who encounter me on a daily basis, or from time to time, I've been in a bad place - getting deeper in a hole and not asking for help. And I messed up, and I still am not changing, not turning around. So, mentally, I'm there, but spiritually and emotionally I'm a little behind. I've been doing my thing, going through the motions, trying to find some space of humanity to exist in for the moment. I've been acting normal, feeling like crap (to be polite) and needing that connection with God and others so badly - maybe in a way that I can't even define.

A friend, out of the blue, when I mentioned how I was struggling so badly with balancing my spiritual goals with my academic goals and not wanting to fail...she told me a story that had helped her - and she doesn't know how terribly much it helped me. She said,
" I've always used to think of life as a chandelier; that when I was trying to 'balance' everything it had to be exactly even or it would become unbalanced . But someone pointed out to me that a chandelier never moves - they offered that life is like riding a bike: you balance things, but you're also moving, and sometimes when you have to go around a curve, you will be leaning more towards one way in order to keep your balance." As she smiled, I responded, " Yeah, that makes good sense, thanks." But my first thought - before she had finished speaking was:

WHAT IF I HAVE FALLEN OFF THE BIKE???!!!

And that, being very true of me, hit me hard. I felt like someone had poke-checked me with a Dstick in the chest where I had no padding. As I turned to walk down the four flights of stairs to where my day would begin with four classes in a row, my head was spinning. But before I had even reached the third floor, I KNEW:

"Get back on the bike!!!"

And so I am.